Insights
Below are some insights or "free therapy" to enable you to get a sense of my point of view and therapy style.
Self Care
Often people who come to me tell me that they're either doing all the things or too overwhelmed to do any of the thing. Over the years our definition of wellness has changed, being refined or expanded based on what those in influential positions believe the population will most be able to conceptualize and utilize in their own lives. It often reminds me of the way the educational system changed the way math is taught from the "old math" approach to "common core," or perhaps the way the USDA changed nutrition guidelines from a food pyramid to a plate model.
In the past many of us learned about Maslow's Heirachy of Needs (1). That was an old pyramid model listing (from the bottom) physiological, safety, belonging/love, social/esteem, cognitive, aesthetic, self-actualization, and transcendence as an individual's needs. The bottom needs needed to be met before the ones towards the top of the pyramid could be worked on. Currently SAMSHA has outlined the 8 Dimensions of Wellness (2). This is more of a bubble chart listing out (from top clockwise) emotional, spiritual, intellectual, physical, environmental, financial, occupational, and social as the things that can impact a person's wellness. Both of these approaches seek to encourage us to think about the aspect of our lives that are out of alignment with where they could be to help us do all the things.
I tend to think of our self-care needs as building a house. Below are a couple examples of some of the things that can impact out house (image 1). For each person the foundation of the house is fairly similar, it includes things like getting enough restful sleep, eating balanced meals, having a good amount of physical activity, engaging in fun hobbies or activities, taking part in socialization, and achieving some kind of relaxation or rest. The specifics of what makes up our personal houses varies from person to person. For example, some people enjoy more extroverted activities while others enjoy more introverted activities though a balance of both is healthy for everyone. There are many things that attack our homes like cracks in the foundation or termites (image 2). These can include societal or political changes, life experiences, as well as emotional dyregulation or disturbances.
Image 1
Image 2
Motivation
We are all basically giant children. Research suggests that many people are stunted at the age they started drinking alcohol or using substances. (1) This is sometimes referred to as arrested development, something that can also occur in people who have been through traumas, neglect, or other extreme circumstances.
I believe that often the best coping skills are the ones that rely upon those childhood instincts. When you were a child what motivated you? Was it a gold star? A hug? A smiling face? A cookie? A new toy? And what kinds of things did you try to avoid? Negative words? A spanking? Being called out in front of your peers? Isolation? Having your privileges removed? These things don’t change just because you got older. These same things continue to motivate you and continue to punish you even today. Today many of us are motivated by things like an award, a clap on the back, a smiling face, a special treat, or a new purchase. Many of us still avoid things like negative words, physical altercations, embarrassment, isolation, or even incarceration.
To increase your current motivation, I often recommend relying upon those things that seem to motivate you as a child. Using a whiteboard to track your progress towards daily goals and other activities can be helpful. Sharing your accomplishments with peers or family members can give you some external validation. It can be helpful too reserve certain coping skills such as distracting by reading books, playing games, watching movies, or buying yourself something new. Instead use these sought after distraction techniques as rewards for yourself when you complete tasks or create new habits.
Additionally reminding yourself and your brain that you are just a large child can help you turn your coping skills into humorous events. Consider singing to yourself a song such as “If you’re happy and you know it overthink it, if you’re happy and you know it overthink it, if you’re happy and you know it then your brain is sure to blow it, if you’re happy and you know it overthink it.”
1. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/acer.12491
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/add.15207
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/acer.14917
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/acps.13506
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0306460321000952?pes=vor
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1056499322000529?via%3Dihub
Negativity Bias and Existential Crises
People who are highly sensitive tend to struggle more with existential depression and crises than those who are not as sensitive. While other people can feel those thoughts of wouldn't it be easier if they weren't alive and then shove them to the side as they experience moments of contentedness or joy, highly sensitive people often struggle to get out of the negative feelings.
This is in part due to negativity bias which is something our brains developed back in the cavemen days to help us avoid threats. When something negative happens our brains like to latch on to it and take us to safety, wherever that may be. Today those negative things don't need quite so severe a response as they did in the past and our brains are struggling to catch up with that reality.
Neuroplasticity allows us to change the way our brains react but this takes some work. Daily gratefulness practices and mindfulness focused towards the positive instead of the negative are the best ways to change this tendency. It will often take a lot of work and practice as well as a commitment to optimism. The idea is to decrease the impact the negative thoughts have on you, not to eliminate them necessarily, but to allow them to take less of a place of importance or value in your life.
Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn
Often when we are faced with a crisis or in a difficult situation and experience in extreme surge of emotions we react in one of four ways: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Fight is when we respond to a situation aggressively. Flight is when we flee from situation to avoid it. Freeze is when we feel we can’t do anything in a situation and don’t do anything in a situation. And fawn is when we attempt to please or compliment someone to an extent that it avoids the conflict.
These are all reactions to the emotion and not healthy actions which is what we tend to want to achieve with therapy. If you notice yourself responding in one of these four ways consider a variety of coping skills including opposite reaction, self compassion, support systems, and reframing. Opposite reactions include things like:
1. Being kind to the other person when we want to fight them
2. Staying in a situation even though it makes us uncomfortable and makes us want to flee
3. Removing ourselves from a situation by asking for some time to consider the situation and then spending small moments working on how to respond when we want to freeze
4. Using assertive communication rather than complimenting someone to achieve a healthy conflict resolution
Self compassion is essential in order to remind ourselves that our brains are simply responding to a perceived threat. The “lizard brain” is the oldest part of the brain, is responsible for 90% of decision making, and responds at hyper speeds. This is typically referred to as a “lizard brain” as this is the primary makeup of a lizard’s brain. The second part of our brain that responds to threats is typically referred to as the “monkey brain.” This part of the brain makes up the cognitive functioning and involves processes like empathy and understanding. The 3rd and final part of our brain is the “human brain.” This part of the brain involves logical thinking and delayed gratification. Often the lizard grain and monkey brain takeover during a crisis or threat. The goal of therapy is to empower the human brain to respond to the situations instead.
Support systems can include our friends, family, chosen family, coworkers, and health care providers. These people can assist us in calming down our initial reaction and thinking through possible solutions to problems. It’s important to understand the different roles each person plays in conflict resolution so that we can utilize them effectively. I often joke with my clients that while your friends and family may help you hide the body, your therapist and other health care providers will attempt to keep you from having a body to hide to begin with.
Reframing involved seeing things from a different perspective. Often we think about how things would look if we were in the shoes of another, If this will truly matter in a week a month or a year, or consider if we have all the facts of the situation. Often we get caught up in worrying about the future and yet to my knowledge no one has a crystal ball. Other times we worry about the past but no one has yet invented a Time Machine. Important to stay in the present to look at the facts of a situation, and to understand that even the worst situations can be a learning experience for us that may promote growth.
